I have a friend who always signs off on a phone call by saying, “I’ll talk atcha later.” All of a sudden, it dawned on me that that’s just what she does. She is a person who talks at me and not to me or with me. Could this be a Freudian slip on her part?
We all know folks who parallel talk, have their own conversations and make no effort to have a give-and-take interchange. And I’ll bet you know some who don’t listen to what you’re saying, but are instead thinking about what they’ll say next. Aren’t these people irritating? In essence, we end up talking to ourselves! Their end game is not having a discussion, but rather pushing a personal agenda or “proving” themselves right in a one-up-one-down way. What kind of conversation is that? Well…you already know…it isn’t a conversation at all. It’s a nonversation!
Let’s look at how to avoid talking at people.
- Relax and don’t feel the need to carry the conversation or dominate it. A conversation is meant to be give-and-take. It’s not a lecture on the part of one.
- Listen…which means stop talking. You can’t hear what others are saying if you’re yacking. It’s not only okay to have a few seconds of silence, but it is necessary to process the message. You don’t need to fill in every verbal gap.
- Don’t cut off listening by planning what you are going to say next. Listening requires an open mind. This isn’t a debate; it’s a mutual exchange of thoughts, feelings, information. When you are focusing on a retort, you aren’t hearing what’s being said.
- You don’t need to have an opinion on every subject, or an answer or recommendation for every revelation. Many times, people want to just talk and get it off their chests. They aren’t looking for your advice or input.
- You don’t need to prove that you are smart or right or can top any story. Let the other person take center stage for a while.
- The best conversationalists are those who allow others to talk…and simply acknowledge what others are thinking, feeling, saying. If you just show interest, people will think you are fascinating!
Now, looking at the other side of the coin, how do you handle people who talk at you?
- Limit your time with them. They are irritating and care more about themselves than they care about you.
- Smile and use pat phrases like, “How interesting!”, “Really?”, “Thanks for sharing.”, “Huh!” It shows you are listening, but not that you necessarily agree. It also stops an argument before it starts – one that will be lose/win for you – guaranteed.
- Don’t try and hold a heart-to-heart conversation or share something deep with these folks. They live in a superficial world. You won’t get the response you want (or expect) and will only be disappointed and later kick yourself for even trying to turn this into a “real” dialogue.
- Have things to talk about that interest them. Throw in a tidbit, then lay back and let them pontificate. Once that’s done, you can break away and count this as “interacting with them”. Works well with relatives over the holidays…
- Don’t think that these nonversationalists will get better or change with time. It’s most likely an ingrained habit that they 1) don’t even know how irritating it is to others and/or 2) don’t care what effect it has on them. They won’t be changing any time soon.
We expect that a conversation will be a two-way street. We talk, they respond and talk, we reply and expand on the subject, then we leave with a feeling of having had a beneficial mutual exchange that brought us closer. Some “conversations” will never fit into this format. Some people will approach you, call you, e-mail you with the intent of hearing themselves talk, orate, and leave with the idea that they conversed. In fact, it was a nonversation.
Susan Fenner, Ph.D., Chief Learning Architect for Speakers you Need, LLC
SyN provides exceptional learning to organizations and their work teams.
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1-855-889-7625 ext 104
